I saw an article recently about the ‘struggles of non-tea drinkers‘. I really appreciated the concept and the thought that there may be someone who struggles as much as I do with hot drinks. As I read through the list of twenty-something reasons, I sadly began to realise that the author wasn’t as similar as I’d hoped and just didn’t drive home the point that needed to be made. Because quite simply some people don’t like hot drinks- I’m one of them and I don’t feel bad about it.
I know, I know I’m a web designer, I get called around to people’s offices and workplaces and they offer me warm beverages until they are blue in the face. But the simple fact is, I decline every time. If they don’t have squash (shame on them) or fizzy (even more shame!) then water will have to do. No offence to you T&C drinkers – but I have a right to drink the way I need to. So, to better the article mentioned above, here are MY numbered points about my struggles as an ‘I don’t drink Tea of Coffee’ guy:
- I don’t get a mug 🙁 One of the few incentives to drinking hot drinks is that at the office, and at home, people always have their favourite mug. That mug that is comforting to drink from whilst depicting something funny or factual about you as a person. Well guess what cold drinkers get. Glass cups. Brilliant. It wasn’t until two Christmases ago that my wife found me the perfect cup. It’s a plastic cup with a straw. Like something you would get from McDonalds, but made from thick plastic so it’s re-usable. It’s so good, I now have two. One in purple and one in Orange. There’s a picture of them > better than any mug. Problem solved. Therefore making this point – pointless. I’ll leave it in though. Makes the article look longer.
- It’s not because I’m on a detox! It seems that people’s automatic reaction to my decline of their hot beverage is ‘Yeah all that caffeine… I really need to cut down too… Are you being healthy then?” No. No. No. Let me first say, I am more than happy to chug a two litre bottle of Pepsi Max a day. I’m not health-conscious and I’m certainly not concerned about the ‘health implications of Tea or Coffee’. I frankly just don’t like it!
- I don’t need fixing. I’m so pleased that people love the stuff. It keeps Starbucks in business. But please don’t assume that I don’t like it because I haven’t tried the ‘real thing’. And please please don’t try to ‘educate me’ with your latest coffee defibrillator-wotsit gadget that grows, picks, dries, grinds, heats, dries, flavours and percolates your coffee. It really isn’t gonna change anything. Trust me.
- Don’t be surprised when I make you a rubbish cuppa. One of the biggest and laughable assumptions of this century is that everyone knows how to make a decent cup of Coffee (or Tea). False. Me, I don’t. I know the ingredients, I can mix them together – but the very thought of the curdling water and milk mixed in with black powder is enough to make me gag! So, please don’t expect me to get it right when you ask for one. The funniest consequences of this particular frustration is when we have a tradesman visiting to do work in the house. It’s just common courtesy (apparently!) to offer them a tea or coffee. So normally, I make it and give it to them and then high-tail it out of the room as soon as possible. I’m pretty sure once I’ve gone – the faces they would pull would be quite amusing. Something a bit like a Disney character sucking on a wasp.
- I like the smell – but that’s not an undercover emotion trying to escape. I love the smell of Playdough too. That tastes like pants too. Although it’s great for colouring your teeth and stinking out your breath with a whole-different smell.
- Don’t tell me off for my ACTUAL preferences! Often my response to a tea or coffee when we’re out and about will be: “No, I’ll just grab a Diet Coke”. It then amazes me how many people go off on one about fizzy drinks. Oy! Take a look in your caffeine-saturated mug yourself mate! I especially get cross when Starbucks tell me that they don’t serve Coca Cola. Or any fizzy drink for that matter. Boo. I’m going to Costa.
- It’s not my place to convert. It genuinely pains me when I ask a tradesman for a Tea or Coffee (because I have to, social expectation apparently) and they ask for three or four sugars. Everything within my wants to say: “It’s ok mate – you can have an Orange Squash – no-one is going to think any less of you”. But sadly I would be branded a drinkest for trying to force my beliefs on others.
- It’s not just Tea and Coffee. This is where I loose everyone who managed to get this far agreeing with me. I just don’t like hot drinks. A drink is for quenching a thirst. And that’s best achieved by a cool refreshing beverage (I’m gonna go grab some Pepsi right now actually). I have used this argument a few times with people. They explain it ‘warms you up’. Sorry, I’m not buying it. Food warms me up. Jumpers warm me up. Radiators warm me up. Drinks are there to serve a purpose and that is to quench my thirst. People now think I was born to be an eskimo. And I’d be cool with that, but I don’t think they get fast enough WIFI.
- It’s a family thing. When he was alive, my Grandpa led the way for cold drinks. He had a really cool glass mug that he’d pour squash into every time the rest of the family would drink their heated yuck. It always made me feel like I wasn’t alone in my endeavour to bring down the evil oppression of the hot-drink majority. He probably didn’t quite see it that way. But it’s one of the memories that will fuel my argument. He managed it his whole life – then so can I!
- Bottom line: It’s just not me!
All things considered, I think people who know me would now think it strange to see me with a mug of hot Coffee. It could possible rupture the very fabric of time and space. And for that reason, I will keep my distance from those steamy drinks. You’re welcome mankind. I could be saving your very existence.